Halo 5: Guardians Screwed Up Version
by Neptin Shumabe
Summary: It's been awhile. This story is about how i screwed up Halo 5 lol Rated M for Language and Sexual References than the other books. Enjoy and you have been warned to laugh and get possibly offended. I don't own Halo! That shit belongs to 343 Industries. This should be rated A for adults. lol
1. Chapter 1: O Dat Ass

**Halo 5: Guardians Screwed Up Version**

 **Chapter 1: O Dat Ass**

 _Hello it's Neptin Shumabe it's been a fucking eternity I had to use my fucking tablet because I have no laptop anymore :/ this will be a challenge anyways I'm back and after I'm done with this book I might do other Screwed up versions of other games like dead space or something idfk anyways I'm back enjoy the first chapter of halo 5 Guardians Screwed up version it's great to be back :3_

 _p.s. i keep forgetting to put this in my stories: **i don't own The Halo Series blah blah blah u get it (best disclaimer ever 10/10 XD)**_

 _p.p.s. oh and i will not do any in game talking because it takes too long and i'm lazy sooooooo DEAL WITH IT_

 _p.p.p.s. there are a lot of sex in this chapter so YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED_

Oh shit we started already!

FUUUUUUCK IM NOT READY DAMMIT!

Let's do it anyways because yolo and shit.

So we will start at the ONI facility and shit.

I already said "and shit" already.

Oh fuck it I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I OWN THIS SHIT!

Anyways back to the story! :3

So we start in an ONI facility because that's how it's supposed to start.

It's 343 Industries they fuck up everything.

Bungie was better.

Oh I'm kidding 343, I love you! :D

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! D:

Anyways Dr. Catherine fucking Halsey begins to walk down a hallway in the middle of a alien porn room.

I mean they had dildos, and fucking, and lots and lots of se-...

Okay you get it moving on.

Halsey walks to the end of the room and places her left hand on a hand scanner and a door opens.

She walks into her office and passes everything while a classical music plays in the back round.

She begins to take off all her clothes to join an sangheili (elite) in bed and...wait...

Fucking hell, I keep thinking sexual stuff.

She reaches into a wall and pulls out an armored matrix.

Just so u know what an armored matrix is a thingy that sucks (lol sucks) A.I.'s in to a big memory plug.

Kind of like technology sex.

Shen then heads to the far end of the lab, where there is a glowing blue holotank.

It's that fucking BITCH ASS BITCH CORTANA.

SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.

Oh yeah, this is a short prologue.

Halsey (bitch) voices over in the backround says, "Spartan Locke."

Halsey plugs the armored matrix into that pussy holotank.

Standing on it is a projection of a blue waffle bitch.

FUCKING CORTANA!

Halsey's voice goes over again, "I have spent enough years with ONI to know the truth."

Halsey smiles at her AI and Cortana smiles back because they somehow had sex.

Halsey's voice goes under again, "Once this is over, after all I have done..."

Halsey turns the handle of the matrix in the tank.

Cortana's hologram vanishes as she's transferred to its chip.

Like I said technology sex. (damn there's a lot of sex in this)

She says voice over, "They'll order you..."

The room darkens and Halsey's smile fades.

She fucking finally says voice over, "...to fuck us both and I kind of like that."

She starts licking her lips and it all goes black while you hear moaning.

Okay since I want to be lazy as fuck, but i can't do it because I love you viewers.

I will continue this shit.

You're welcome.

So we start at Jameson Locke's helmet, lying on a seat inside a Pelican's troop bay.

There's a sex doll near by. (I just wanted to add that lol)

The Microsoft Studios logo randomly appears.

A rotating cylindrical holotank lowers from the ceiling

It activates, displaying several holographic photos of destruction on several human colonies.

Some photos showed some porn which Locke swiped away quickly while smiling nervously.

The 343 Industries logo randomly appears.

Last but not least, the FanFiction logo appeared. :3

Members of Fireteam O Dat Ass are looking at the holotank.

An additional screen appears on it as Thomas Lasky begins his transmission.

"Fireteam Osiris. Over the last 72 hours, five colonies have experienced identical events. Massive destruction, Forerunner in origin."

"Dr. Catherine Elizabeth Halsey has managed to contact us."

"She claims to have information on these attacks."

"And had sex with with a Sangheili."

Olympia Vale mutters to herself, "Can't wait till I get down hard on a sangheili."

Then Sarah Palmer appears on the Video COM, "Halsey is currently in Covenant custody on the surface of Kamchatka. Your mission is to insert behind enemy lines, retrieve Halsey and bring her back to Outfinity."

Sarah Palmer continued (my fucking lord), "Be advised. Dr. Halsey is accompanied by Covenant supreme leader Jul 'Mdama (sexy ass bitch). If you have the opportunity…"

Locke replies, "Understood, Commander."

And fucking finally Lasky replies, "Good Luck, Spartan Locke. Outfinity out."

The Holotank shuts down.

Blah blah blah getting ready and shit...

Holly Tanaka decides to ask, "Say, before we make this jump, anybody want to say a few words?"

Buck replies while grabbing his shotgun and holstering it on his back, "Well, I don't know about you, but back when I played in a series called 'Castle', I used to be more of a pussy then I was before."

Then he turns to Locke, "Hey you buying first drink when we're done."

Locke replies, "You ask, you buy."

Buck chuckles (love that word for some reason) and mutters to himself, "Funny. I'll kill you later."

Locke finally says, "Fire Team O Dat Ass, the light is green like my shit this morning."

Then they jump out as the pelican doors flew open.

The Title comes on...

Halo 5: Guardians (punch) SCREWED UP VERSION

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH

Okay since I'm a fucking asshole, I'm going to skip the entire gameplay talking because too much to type and I don't want some dipshit reporting me for plagiarism.

I'm sorry if u haven't seen the game, but deal with it.

Watch someone play it.

Now back to the story.

 _Lots of pointless fighting later..._

After fighting through an ass load (lol load) of enemies, they made to Jul 'Mdama and Halsey.

No one noticed, but I think they both had sex without the other covenant knowing.

Anyways team O Dat Ass assembles at the fucking door.

It opens to reveal the entrance to Jul's balcony.

Don't ask me how the living fuck the enemy didn't notice the door opening.

The four Spartans head down the hallway with weapons ready.

Zealots stand guard and a Phantom holds position nearby it.

Jul paces in the center while Halsey reads her data pad.

Sexy Jul says angrily, "What is is the problem?"

Bitch Halsey replies, "Well there are several. Would you like to discuss the finer points of casual reconciliation?"

Jul is getting annoyed, "More human sarcasm..."

Halsey once again replies smiling, "Oh, you are so cute when you are annoyed."

Oh mah gawd!

She was flirting. lol

Team O Dat Ass gets into position to attack the mother fuckers.

Buck was the only one who heard the flirting from Halsey to Jul.

Tanaka has her assault rifle and raises it to guard the rear. (lol rear)

Okay they talk some more and finally O Dat Ass attacks and kills all the Sangheili.

Jul gets killed by Spartan Locke buy putting a knife to his throat.

The funny thing is that Locke only attacked Jul, and the rest of the team killed the other Sangheili.

I think its funny because Locke did very little work. (bitch ass)

Locke says to Halsey, "Dr. Halsey, Captain needs dat ass of yours. (meaning he needs to talk to her.

Halsey being a naughty bitch replies, "Took you long enough."

The last thing you hear from Buck's mouth before the chapter ends, "Interspecies Bitch."

 _Daaaaaamn this shit was a bitch to write. Well thanks for reading hit the favorites and comment on the book if u like. I'll be waiting for feedback. See you in the next chapter!_


	2. Chapter 2: Green Shit Team

**Halo 5: Guardians Screwed Up Version**

 **Chapter 2: Green Shit Team**

 _hello and welcome to another pointless and shitty chapter_

 _p.s. sorry for the wait I was busy in the furriness so yea..._

 _p.p.s. if anyone reads this bullshit anymore...i'm willing to accept ideas from you readers if you have an ideas just p.m. me_

So we will start on a fucking huge ass, grandmother fucking UNSC Outfinity showing off dat big sexy metal ass.

A pelican zooms past the camera guy, almost running his ass over. (asshole)

Roland over the com says in a gay way, "Heeeeeeey Fireteam O Dat Ass, just letting you know that your clear to land in docking bay 11."

INTERESTING FACT: Did you know that Roland the A.I. was actually a world war 2 era pilot named Roland Prosper Beamont.

Look that shit up I'm serious.

Okay now back to the story fahkas. :3

We cut into Outfinity.

The Pelican flies over an enormous mother fucking hanger as I begin to leak pre...(face palms Jesus Christ...)

As the Pelican lands the two people approach are Tom Lasky who is the ship's bitch and the Captain of the Outfinity, and Sarah "Cum Eating" Palmer, who is the commanding officer of the Spartans-IVs of Outfinity.

The Pelican's rear (lol rear GOD DAMMIT) door opens and out comes ME THE WRITER as everyone cheers begins to throw roses.

They were all chicks so I came in my pants.

Luckily I'm wearing black pants.

Then another Pelican lands.

The rear opens (thank you) and team O Dat Ass exits with Dr. Catherine Halsey. (rear lol FUCK)

She hurriedly walks up to Lasky.

She says (oh god here we go), "Captain Fuckface, where were you? I sent you my position three weeks ago! I told you we were going to get fucked in the ass and what did I tell you!"

Lasky rolls his eyes as he knows he has to fuck that old hag later, "We'll discuss that in private, Doctor."

He then looks at Palmer and Palmer walks away grabbing Halsey.

You could hear her in the distance, "What has she done? IM GOING TO RIDE YOU LIKE A FUCKING PIG!"

Lasky flinches as he heard that, but quickly gets over it and says to Team O Dat Ass, "Good work!"

Then for some odd reason everyone walks away leaving Buck and Locke alone.

Buck simply says, "Sooooo...what was that about?"

Locke doesn't answer because he doesn't give a single fuck.

Buck says under his breath, "Quiet asshole."

Then we fade to black as you hear Lasky getting raped by Halsy.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEEEEEEES."

God I need help...

Now we fucking finally go to our favorite character, THE MASTER QUEEF!

THE MASTER SHEATH!

THE MASTER GREEN SHIT!

THE MASTER ASSHOLE!

THE MASTER...ok you get it. -_-

Outside in the middle of fucking space, we go to pilot seat of the Pelican.

Chief or now officially John just simply sits there masturbating, remembering how Cortana had that nice delicious ass.

MMMM BABY *forces member into that artificial pussy*

I'm so sorry...lets just continue...

Anyways while Chief masturbating, spraying cum every the fuck where, the pelican flies towards the abandoned ship, drifting in an asteroid belt called Agent Sun. (it's actually called Argent Moon, but I love fucking up names)

Fred (ex worker at Freddie's Pizzeria hehe FNAF anyone), Kelly (a simple bitch to be fucked) and Linda (also a bitch to fuck) are in the Pelican's troop bay preparing their gear.

In this game, Blue team never had their faces shown.

FOR FUCKS SAKE 343!

Freddie Fazbear starts off, "I haven't seen Chief press himself like this since we were in boot camp."

Kelly Clarkson (the fucking country singer...I think) replies not giving a single fuck, "Fred, he is fine because he's an asshole."

Fred replies, "Yeah we know that."

She throws the DMR at Fred, "Then quit fucking complaining you little bitch."

"But, doing missions non-stop isn't fine."

Then Linda cunt breath gets pissed, "Stop talking about it or I'm going to throw your ass out of this Pelican."

Fred crosses his arms and sighs, "Fine...I'll stop."

Chief which is now John calls Outfinity, "Sierra-177 to Outfinity, Green Team has located Agent Sun. There are mother fucking enemies up the ass, but she's still here."

Outfinity replies in the COMs, "Copy that green sack of shit, fuck shit up, and secure Agent Sun, deploy when ready you cock."

John replies with a grunt, "Fuck you, 117 out."

John cuts the feed and slows the Pelican down.

He goes in the Pelican's troop bay as everyone is getting ready.

Kelly decides to throw John's favorite weapon at him, knocking his ass over.

"Thanks cunt."

Then questioned as he gets back up, "Everyone ready?"

Linda only answered, "Affirmative."

She opens the Pelican's exit ramp.

Johnny Boy starts to walk towards the rear of the Pelican and Fred decides to be a little bitch.

"You good?"

John puts his middle finger in his fucking face.

Fred decides not to say anything and for some odd reason got horny. (just wanted to add that)

John finally says, "Green shit team! Get the fuck out and lets go kill some bitches."

Green Team activates their thrusters and they jump out of the Pelican.

They maneuver through a cluster of asteroids and head towards Agent Sun. (GOD DAMMIT THEY DIDNT GET HIT BY THE FUCKING ASTROIDS)

Inside Agent Sun, a group of Sangheili soldiers are inside a room.

They are having a fucking orgy.

I mean cum was everywhere.

.

..

...

...

...

Please...just...no.

FUCK YEES!

A Sangheili Storm walks up to his Commander while his dick is hanging out.

The Commander is masturbating.

"The Unggoy are resisting their daily fucking with us." said the Sangheili Storm trooper, his face cover in se-STOP.

The Commander growls as he is about to blow his load, "Give them the "Punishment"!"

The Commander blows his load fucking everywhere like the forth of July when the fireworks go off all at the same time at the finale.

Jesus...that must of been a one violent blow.

Oh whatever...

Green team begins to approach the large window that leads to the room with the Sangheili.

As they get close, John the asshole opens fire to weaken the window and they all shatter the glass on impact.

Funny...the rest of Green team didn't do shit.

Lazy fucks...

They enter the room and they use their thrusters (lol thrust me daddy) to slow themselves down and land in front of the Sangheili Commander who just finished blowing his load all over the fucking place.

The Sangheili get pissed off from their orgy being interrupted, and activate their energy swords.

They charge toward Green team and get blown out into space. (dumbasses)

Green Team activate their magnet systems in their boots, so they can't get blown out into space. (lol blow me bitch)

The Sangheili Commander lunges at John with his sword and misses as the Commander is blow out into space.

John did get hit though.

The Commander's dick was long enough to slap him in the face.

That was the funny part.

You may laugh now.

DO IT!

Okay the window's blast door closes and that Green shit team prepares to move.

Then it cuts to black for some odd reason.

Okay GAMEPLAY!

FUCK YOU!

Too much to type.

But...I'm going to add this because a cutscene.

Your fucking welcome.

They kill a few Unggoy (grunts) and they are at a catwalk that is leading to a nearby open room.

John says, "Central Control is through those doors."

Since the mission decides to be not be as easy as we thought, a fucking Mgalekgolo bursts out from a wall in the distance.

The impact makes the walkway a pussy and shake and tilt.

John yells, "Oh fuck my asshole till it bleeds, it's a fucking Hunter!"

The Hunter slams its shield arm into the walkway, breaking it and sending the Spartans plummeting down.

For some odd reason, John goes into a trance of some shit.

He lands at the bottom of a dark rocky cave.

He is unharmed because he's a fucking badass and raises his assault rifle in preparation for threats.

He sees nothing and slowly lowers it.

He and he and he and he, GOD WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

She begins to play with own tits.

Okay I'll stop.

Anyways, John says, "Green fucks, report."

There was no answer.

OOOOOH SHIIIIEEET!

"Anyone who doesn't answer me is going to have my assault rife so far up their ass that they will be..."

He was interrupted by a whisper.

"Chiiiiieefff I'm a lesbian..."

"Da faq?" he questions.

John turns at the sound of a faint familiar voice.

Behind him, appears is a small blue light.

It's coming (lol cum on me) from some rocks a few yards away.

John walks to the light cautiously and a low hum can be heard from it.

It appears to be a data chip and it's glowing brightly in the dark.

John kneels to pick it up and it vanishes.

The humming stops.

"Fuck!" was all John said.

"John."

There was that voice again.

Could it be?

No, she's fucking dead.

IMPOSSIBLU!

John looks to his right.

There's more light coming from further in the cave.

John follows it to its source, and comes to a cliff.

He decides to commit suicide and jumps off.

I'M KIDDING!

A dark chasm is before him, with smoky clouds in the sky.

John looks down the chasm, as small rocks fall.

He cannot see the bottom; the clouds obscure his view.

He thinks he's high as fuck.

Okay I'm bored now...

It's Cortana, she's back.

She's supposed to be fucking dead.

She says while raising her hands, "Hey John, The Domain is open and Meridian is next. The Reclamation is about to begin!"

John is surprised and pissed off, "BITCH, I SAW YOU DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT?!"

She says nothing as a fucking big ass construct rises out of the abyss and spreads its titanic spiked wings.

John didn't know what the fuck to do and feels faint.

He collapses...pussy ass bitch.

Kelly randomly questions in concern, "Chief? What's wrong?"

John is back on Agent Sun, and stands back up.

He replies, "She's on Meridian."

She questions again, "Who?"

He begins to get pissed like he used to, "That fucking bitch, Cortana."

Aaaaaannnd more gameplay...

*presses fast forward button not giving a single fuck*

Ok let me do a short summary.

They had to blow up the station be because of a lot of covenant ships going out of slipspace.

They were outnumbered.

They find a Prowler and power it up before they explode.

They had to fight covenant as this happens.

After when they finished killing the covenant, Linda surveys the area with her sniper rifle.

She says, "Clear."

Ok to put it simply John called Outfinity and says that he blew up Agent Sun and signs his team to go to Meridian because of Cortana.

Outfinity get all drama queen and says nooooooooooooo another team is going to deal with her.

They get confused and disobey orders and go anyways.

John wanted to go alone, but his team wanted to go to.

He pouted stomping his feet, but got over it as they left before the Agent Sun blew to hell.

There the level is over.

Now fucking kiss me.

Wait...what?

 _Thanks for reading! This shit was total hell to write sooo I hope you enjoyed._


	3. Chapter 3: Assed

**Halo 5: Guardians Screwed Up Version**

 **Chapter 3: Assed  
**

 _okay. I have been procrastinating alot, because of alot of shit happening; not going into detail. Anyways i'm so sorry! heres your damn chapter_

They all died, the end.

.

.

.

I'M KIDDING!

Put your dick back in your pants.

No seriously.

Aaaaanyways we go back to the fucking bridge of Outfinity.

Dr. Catherine Halsey had so much fun with the sex with Captain Lasky.

Thanks to her, he has AIDS now.

Fucking bitch.

Plus it also smells, I mean get a fucking shower already.

Okay I'm done with the sex part.

MoViNg On!1!

Basically they are speaking to each other along with the Roland A.I. person thingy.

Dr. Halsey starts off, (oh here we fucking go...) "You know you diseased fuck, I warned you that this would be happening! Cortana is now an enemy. She has accessed the Forerunner Domain, a galaxy-spanning network-"

Roland decides to interrupt the mighty bitch, "Cortana's alive? Well fuck me and call me daddy."

No one was paying attention.

She continues (-_-), "-that allows her to control whatever devices caused this damage."

Roland decides to speak again only to get interrupted again, "How did she-"

Lasky interrupts him this time (O_o THEY ARE ASSHOLES), "The Queef Face, believes she contacted him-"

Now Halsey interrupts him, "What? FUCK THAT! Johnny boy must not (mmm knots) speak to her."

Lasky facepalms, "-and he's gone in search for her."

Halsey was like O_O, "You let him go?"

Then Roland thought he could finally say something, "How is that-"

INTERRUPTION!

By goddamn Sara Thot Palmer as she enters the room, "Well no one tells that green shit what to do or he will cause a lot of friendly fire. Remember that time with Del Rio Shit Face?"

Everyone had the flashback of Del Rio taking a shit about the size of Antarctica.

That shit was pure hell to clean up.

Anyways, Lasky replies "Until 0630 this morning, when he was declared absent without leave."

Roland hopefully got a chance to speak, "This isn't about the Master Chief."

No one paid any attention to the poor A.I.

Halsey said worried for her sex toy, "John is not equipped emotionally to deal with her as a threat-"

Roland gets pissed, "HEY! Is anyone going to answer me?!"

No one answers.

Then you can hear the sound of a baby crying as a new child was born.

"IT'S A BOY!"

There was an awkward silence then Lasky replies, "You're out of line Roland."

He replies, "Yes sir. But so is everyone else!"

Roland gestures at Halsey as she look back at him mournfully.

Probably because of the sex, but hell if I know.

Roland continues (for fox sake...hehe puns), "You created Cortana, Doc, and now you're throwing her out the airlock with these accusations!"

Lasky simply says, "Roland..."

Roland continues for the last fucking time, "You think she tricked the Master Queefing Green Shit into abandoning his post? Respectfully, sir, to what end? Why is Cortana the bitch the problem?! Because she didn't fucking die like she was fucking supposed to?"

Then it all goes back as this MOTHER FUCKING COCK EATING SON OF A DICK CUTSCENE IS NOW OVER!

Yay...for nothing.

We now go to the hanger of the Outfinity to see Jameson Locke and Edward Buck work at a small lab.

Alright, Chief gets very little screen time in this game which makes him even more pissed at the people who made the game.

Buck starts off, "You're okay with this? Not just another target, you know."

Locke snapped, "I don't give a shit. Chief is a dead man for abandoning us."

Buck sighs and says, "You know, I loved being an ODST."

He picks up his pistol and wanks it because he's horny.

"It was just point and shoot. None of this gray area bullshit."

Locke opens a machine and it's a robotic dildo and Buck is all like 'da faq bro'.

He replies, "Don't worry that's not for him."

He pulls out another machine and opens it as it carries a fray disk suspended in antigravity.

He takes it out of the machine.

Buck questions, "I mean, how are we even supposed to bring them in? Ask politely?"

Locke activates the disc, and it begins to spin, glow red and whir.

"No."

Is all he said.

He clearly is getting annoyed by Buck fuck talking alot.

Locke throws the device at Buck, and his armor locks in place.

He struggles to move, as his shields flicker and his limbs become immobile.

"The fuck?"

Is all he could say.

Locke pulls the device off Buck's armor, letting him move again.

He replies, "Armor restraint. Short circuit their systems."

Buck who really wants to jack off, as Locke begins to walk away.

"You know Locke..."

Locke turns to face him as their Pelican rises up.

"Every other Spartan...every soldier, when they hear about this...they're going to hate us all so much that they are all going to piss on us and I don't want that shit. I mean I tried that and-"

His voice was cut off by Locke putting duct tape on his mouth as he looks at him coldly.

"You're not the only one here because of him."

He turns and walks away as Buck can finally masturbate.

Then it turns to black.

Alright as the rest of this chapter is all in-game dialogue, I will be a kind hearted person and give you a summary about it.

Basically O Dat Ass is going to the planet Meridian to get Green Shit Team back to Outfinity.

But they realize they walked into a war with robotic forerunners attacking everyone.

So yea, they had to go save their asses and they meet this A.I who runs the place named Governor Sloan.

By the way everyone hates the U.N.S.C. on this planet for God knows what.

They come in and save their asses and Sloan is all happy after hating on them.

So after fighting through the a lot of enemies and i mean a fuck load of enemies. (lol load)

They are on the outside of Nope Station fighting a shit ton of enemies.

After when they did that, Sloan's like, "Well, looks like you've done it. Never thought I'd thank the U.N.S.C. for a damn thing, but I thank you."

Then he opens the doors to the station.

 _Alright. I hope you are happy. I am sorry it took so long tho._


End file.
